"I wanna be a mommy when I grows up!" Dilly, almost 5, reminds me often. Her reminders make me remember. The moments of growing up, of longing to be older, bigger, better. I remember those days when I was small and filled with childish dreams. Dreams that filled my head and made me how long it would be, until I was
big. How long I would wait, until my dreams became reality. But here I stand, seventeen years old, and my ability to dream has been condensed. My child-like faith has it's limits. I doubt myself, I doubt the world and sometimes I find myself doubting God. Moments. They go by so fast. I remember looking at a calendar and thinking of how wonderful it would be when I had my golden birthday, that came and went this summer. I was no bigger, no better than before. I remember when I would imagine what it would be like to drive a car, I got my license in June. I have gained a small ounce of freedom, but other than that, I'm no bigger, no better. I realized as this summer filled quickly with beautiful memories, moments only last so long. Life flies by and there is no way to press the pause button. The world keeps spinning. In Nicaragua my heart cry was "I never want to forget, never want to forget these moments." But back within the comfort of America I find myself growing further from those moments. Life goes on and I learn. I learn that we as humans are only wanting to be bigger and better. Bigger and better is empty though, it's an empty place to be. I'm finding that I now long to be deeper, my toes buried deep beneath God's word, my faith sprouting as I find -again- that sweet thing called child-like faith. I want to be deeper. I want to be a young, pig tailed, dreamer again.
"I wanna be a mommy when I grows up!" Dilly, almost 5, reminds me often. Her reminders make me remember. The moments of growing up, of longing to be older, bigger, better. I remember those days when I was small and filled with childish dreams. Dreams that filled my head and made me how long it would be, until I was big. How long I would wait, until my dreams became reality. But here I stand, seventeen years old, and my ability to dream has been condensed. My child-like faith has it's limits. I doubt myself, I doubt the world and sometimes I find myself doubting God. Moments. They go by so fast. I remember looking at a calendar and thinking of how wonderful it would be when I had my golden birthday, that came and went this summer. I was no bigger, no better than before. I remember when I would imagine what it would be like to drive a car, I got my license in June. I have gained a small ounce of freedom, but other than that, I'm no bigger, no better. I realized as this summer filled quickly with beautiful memories, moments only last so long. Life flies by and there is no way to press the pause button. The world keeps spinning. In Nicaragua my heart cry was "I never want to forget, never want to forget these moments." But back within the comfort of America I find myself growing further from those moments. Life goes on and I learn. I learn that we as humans are only wanting to be bigger and better. Bigger and better is empty though, it's an empty place to be. I'm finding that I now long to be deeper, my toes buried deep beneath God's word, my faith sprouting as I find -again- that sweet thing called child-like faith. I want to be deeper. I want to be a young, pig tailed, dreamer again.
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